theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
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I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
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Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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