so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
