Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
