someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
