So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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