Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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