I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
