We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
