they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
