i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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