by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
