Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
