remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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