Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
