so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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