Pants 0. Shit 1.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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