I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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