just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just invented taco cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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