yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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