Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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