I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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