Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
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1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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