I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Damn victory sex feels great
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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