so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
