Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
