You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
