my phone needs a breathalizer
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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