you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
BRING THE BAGELS
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
