You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
that is very illegal...i love you.
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