Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
