I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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