covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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