I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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