I molested 6 butterflies tonight
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
