i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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