Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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