Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
