I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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