If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Be still, my beating vagina.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
