I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
