I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
