I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
