highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
