Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
