it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
