I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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