I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
