tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She needs sedatives and a leash
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
