Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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