I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
