good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
