We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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