she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
