I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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